She Puts the Ho in Homepage.

So I'm working on my training here at work, and one of my co-workers sends me an instant message to tell me to check out our company's new homepage.

Now, without telling you what company I work for, I will say that we are involved in research. That's enough to get my point across. I'm sure if you wanted to, this post would give you enough information to find out. I'm just not going to broadcast it, because I don't know what the rules are about this kind of thing, and I like my job. :)

So I go to the homepage, and I see THIS staring back at me:


It contains the tagline "Passion & Data."

UH, WHAT?

Seriously? It looks like a still from the opening scene of a soft-core porn! Hellooooo naughty librarian! Passion & Data. Whoo!

She's giving us this seductive look and they want us to believe that she's looking that way because of data? "There is so much data in these big books I'm carrying I can hardly control myself! Give me a hand with this issue tool, big boy!"

I could hardly believe my eyes, so I started asking my co-workers what they thought about it. Here are some of the responses I got:
"It's Debbie Does Data Management!"
"I want to transfer, what department is SHE in?"

Basically, this office is female dominated. We have a female CEO. Which one of the genius males working in this place put our new webpage together?

!!!

Haverty's changed their commercial! It's correct, it says Sneak Peek now!!! :)

Crackers for Christmas?

So today, my friend Annie sent me an E-vite for her little holiday party she is throwing for our group of girlfriends from the NOLA trip.

Attached to the E-vite is an advertisement featuring Rachael Ray and Nabisco crackers. The tagline on the ad is "Give the gift that never gets returned."

CRACKERS? You want me to give someone CRACKERS for christmas? Okay, or you want someone to give ME crackers for Christmas? Are you kidding? Crackers? As a gift. Do you give someone a gift receipt with that so that they COULD return the crackers if they wanted?

If someone gives me crackers for Christmas, you are right-- I won't return them. I will LAUGH wholeheartedly at the poor schmo who gave them to me. If you give someone crackers for Christmas, you should probably get punched.

The gift that never gets returned. Yah, I'll tell you why they never get returned. It's because NOBODY has big enough balls to walk into Kroger and go up to the customer service counter and say "Hi, I got these Nabisco snack crackers for Christmas, and I think I'd like to return them! See, I have this gift receipt!"

What is the target demographic for the gift of crackers? Certainly not people who are online getting E-vites... I'd say the best person to give crackers to at Christmas might be someone who would otherwise not eat.

Maybe they would be nice to bring to a party you are attending, if you yourself might eat some of the crackers. However, if you wrap the crackers up and present them to your host as a gift- They will probably look at you like you have three heads.

And then if they have the chutzpah to take them back to Kroger and return them?

They either are a really big asshole... or awesome. Maybe both. I haven't decided yet.

To Have or to Haverty's Not...

Okay. I'm sitting here watching TV with my roommate. OK, Best Week Ever is on. I love that show. Those people get PAID to mock other people. What a great job. I get paid WHILE I mock people, normally, but I don't actually get paid to mock people.

So during Best Week Ever, there's this commercial for Haverty's. In case you are not aware, Haverty's sells furniture. So they have this holiday commercial (don't let me get back onto that...) that basically chops the "Have" off their name and uses it in sentence fragments.

Well, the first one is "Have a sneak peak."

Um. What? A sneak peak?

As in the peak of a mountain? Not a sneak peek? As in a preview? Um. Maybe you should proofread your copy before you run it in a national ad campaign. Seriously.

I should probably add that during the portion of the commercial where this copy is featured, there is a young boy peeking into a hutch or something like that... I can't remember what those things are called.

Clearly peek, and not peak. Sneak Peak. "We're going to climb a mountain, but shhh! don't tell anyone!"

The Rockboy Haircuts

So there's this band. If you listen to popular radio, you've probably heard their "famous" song... "Pictures of You."

They're called "The Last Goodnight." Okay, first of all, their band name SUCKS. The Last Goodnight? Who are we saying Goodnight to? And why won't you get to say goodnight to them anymore? Or should it really be "The Last Good Night?" Because is someone getting married? Or paralyzed? Or put to death? (I know, I know, they're really all the same thing.)

"This is your last good night! Better have fun while you can!"

I saw them live- opening for Rocco DeLuca and the Burden. Unimpressive. Their sound is not cohesive in any way, they sound like 7 guys just up on a stage TRYING to play the same song. I think there are 7 of them... there were so many, once I got past 5, I stopped counting. And the lead singer looks like he's seizing when he sings, because he's moving so jerkily and strangely. Maybe that's what the name is about. Remembering the last good night he had before the seizures started. They all have these "rock boy haircuts" too.

This is a term that I have coined, actually from looking at the men in this band. I was trying to type their band name and I SERIOUSLY couldn't remember it because I just called them the Rockboy Haircuts. If you need photographic evidence of what a rockboy haircut is, here are examples:

I don't know what any of their names are, but the lead singer kind of looks like this guy I know, Aaron. So I will call him that. Seriously, though, Aaron, mad props. It takes all kinds of balls (and a lot of styling product, I'm sure) to carry off a mohawk.

Unfortunately, I think you spent more time on your hair than you did writing your songs and/or rehearsing them. Sad... because the song "Pictures of You," is actually a pretty catchy tune! I find myself singing along with it when I watch the video. The video in which you lip synch to it worse than Ashlee Simpson... worse than the dubbing for a bad Japanese horror movie.

The thing that kills me about these lyrics though... is this line right here: "There is a drug that cures it all, blocked by the governmental wall, we are the scientists inside the lab, waiting for the call..."

SERIOUSLY? Does this man know ANYTHING about how drugs are approved/created? Well you better believe that I. DO. Let me start by saying, "Buddy- that governmental wall is there to make sure your ass doesn't die from some "drug that cures it all" that doesn't ACTUALLY work, or worse yet, is TOXIC. We don't do research on these drugs for fun, we do it to save you and your stupid haircut."

Not to mention, I'm pretty sure that the scientists that develop these drugs are not just sitting around WAITING for a call from the FDA to ask them to create "a drug that cures it all." Not to mention that one drug to cure everything is totally impossible. What about contraindications? *sigh*

Anyway... I think my real beef here is that this band (and any band like them *AHEM: COLBIE CALLAIT*) is getting attention for music that is fair, but not all that great, when there are TONS AND TONS of really really awesome musicians (Sara Bareilles and the Alternate Routes to name 2 examples) that don't get quite as much attention.

I mean, okay- I can concede somewhat. The Alternate Routes is a dumb name for a band too... but at least they can all play on the same downbeat.

What the hell happened to Thanksgiving?

Today, (and it was like 7:15am, too. Don't let me get started on Mornings.) I was riding in the elevator from the parking garage. It's me and one other woman, and the doors sliiiiide open at like, floor 7, and a bunch of people get in. Not only do a bunch of people get in the elevator to annoy me, but there is some LOUD MUSIC playing.

Oh, and this is not just any old loud music, no.

It's FREAKING "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas."

WHAT?! OH MY GOD, It's November 15th, people. WHAT HAPPENED TO THANKSGIVING?

You know, in like a month, I might want to be told to have myself a merry little christmas. But first I think I would like to have myself a tasty little Thanksgiving! So at this point, everyone in the elevator is complaining... and I'm thinking, "WHO is this music FOR?" I seem to have a lot of friends and family (and obviously some complete strangers in an elevator) that agree with me when I say: "Christmas is AFTER Thanksgiving. Let's keep it there."

Even the people who I know that loooove Christmas (my roommate- OMG Christmas throws up on our apartment every year- mere minutes after Thanksgiving has passed) think it's a little bit ludicrous for stores to begin hanging Christmas decorations in OCTOBER.

BEFORE HALLOWEEN?! COME ON! It's like, why don't we just start hanging christmas decorations up over the bathing suit displays in July or August? I'm worried, friends. I'm worried that Christmas is going to eat ALL THE OTHER HOLIDAYS.

Happy Independence Day! Here's an ornament!

Now, I know some people leave their Christmas lights up all year long. Don't believe me? Take a drive through Price Hill. That, I almost understand. Laziness appeals to me on a fundamental level. But the actual assembly of huge Christmas displays and blaring of obnoxious Christmas tunes before Thanksgiving is just too much for me. Come on, people of America, let's unite and tell those retail whores that are grubbing for our money: NO CHRISTMAS BEFORE THANKSGIVING! HELL NO! WE WON'T GO! Or something...

I'll tell you what I'm giving thanks for this Thanksgiving... that it's not Christmas yet!

There's always a place for the Angry Young Man...

Well, fine. But I want a place too.

The other day I was helping my friend Kevin paint his house. I kept ranting about different things, songs on the radio, commercials, etc. And I don't know who said it, probably me-- that I was a little angry. Okay, well I've never thought of myself as being an angry person. But Billy Joel says "There's always a place for the Angry Young Man, with his working class ties and his radical plans..." And I thought. "I'm just an 'Angry Young Woman!' There should be a place for me!" And, sometimes, I can be kind of funny when I start ranting about something.

So, because I don't want to be angry (or seem angry) in my life, I've decided I need a place to be an Angry Young Woman.

So here we are. And I have something to rant about right away. I know you're excited.