E-mail for Dummies

I know you guys totally love reading my rants about work, so here's another one.

How come people with college degrees cannot learn when it is and isn't appropriate to use the "Reply to All" button?

Dude, I know the only way to get in the door at this place is to start here as a temp or to have a college degree. (Seriously, I have a story about that too, it's a good one.) So how is it, that these seemingly educated people cannot figure out that it is NOT A GOOD IDEA to hit reply to all when someone has sent an e-mail to THE ENTIRE COMPANY, or the ENTIRE US division of the company?

5,000 people work for this company. Do you think that we ALL need to know which session you want to attend to learn about how to use expense reporting? No, no, we don't.

The people that REALLY crack me up, though... are the people who reply to all asking everyone not to reply to all. You can also prevent people from replying to all by BCCing everyone you send the message to. That way even if people DO hit reply to all, they're only going to be able to send it to you- and themselves.

The icing on the cake, however, in this most recent situation, was the response e-mail from the initial sender of the e-mail. I have to paste it in here, because it's really too amusing not to share.

Below is the actual text of the e-mail sent to the entire United States division of my company:

Not only am I sitting under an avalanche of RSVP's but now I am under attack with IM's and emails similar to this...
******************************************************************************************************************
T-
Could you please instruct these people to respond ONLY to you and not to the whole (company name here) world. I get enough emails without getting the people telling me that they want to take your concur class. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that they are wanting to take the class, but I don't need to know about it!
Thanks much.
*** Name witheld ***
Help !!!! Show some LOVE !!!

Seriously.

Maybe someone should teach a class on how to use your e-mail.

Upgrade or Clusterf*ck? You decide.

So I know- I do an AWFUL lot of complaining about work for loving my job as much as I do. Seriously, I do ACTUALLY love my job.


There are just some little bitty things about it that infuriate me. Okay, this is beyond infuriating, though.


So- we have this proprietary software that we use to keep track of the work we're doing. Basically, I use it to write reports summing up what I find when I go out to do my job.


Okay, that's really the most important part of my job, because in my job- if it wasn't documented, it wasn't done. So you can imagine how it's important for me to take great notes and complete my reports as close to when I visit as possible.


So this software, while amazing for what it is... probably wasn't the greatest software ever to hit the earth since DOS. (Think Doogie Howser's journal. Haven't we come a long way?) So last weekend, while I was traveling, they upgraded it to version 3.0. OOOOH- 3.0.


So first of all, I'd have been completing these reports while I was on the plane if I could have... but the system was down and any info entered between Friday 11:59pm (March 28) and Monday morning (March 31) was NOT going to be saved.


Okay, you know, no big deal. I got to finish my book on the plane.


But I come in on Monday morning and start trying to write reports. I think maybe I am just slow because I didn't take the course explaining the upgrades to me. So I do that. I took a half day on Monday b/c it was opening day, so I really didn't have more than a couple hours to fight with the thing, so I didn't know how bad it really was.


Tuesday had me feeling like a homicidal maniac. Ok, really I was about to go Office Space on my computer, possibly even throw it out the window from 8 floors up. But then I realized that if it hit someone, I'd be arrested. And I didn't have a baseball bat. So here we are. I've still got my computer, and I can just bitch about it to you guys.

It's really great when you figure that the REASON the d*mned thing didn't work was because of an upgraded spell-check feature. Yes, for years upon years upon years (or at least as long as I've worked here since Dec 2005) this software purported to have a spell-check feature that never once checked my spelling in any manner. BUT IN VERSION 3.0, ohhh in version 3.0, yes- the spell-check now works. WELL, SORT OF.

The spellchecker opens a window in word, and begins checking the spelling and grammar of what you have written- and if it finds anything... you're SCREWED. The beauty of this handy little gadget (and I'm laying on a thick layer of sarcasm, seriously, get out your chisel to pry this one off...) is that it opens the spell-check window BEHIND the window in which you are entering your report.

Well isn't that great? You can't MINIMIZE the window in which you are entering your report. This means, the spell-check window is demanding your attention, yet you literally cannot respond to it. So your report sits there and waits patiently to be corrected... alas, you cannot correct it. SO, what do you DO about this? You can even try to close it. But you can't do that either. You have to go into Windows Task Manager and end the program. Then Task Manager tells you "Windows cannot close this program because it is waiting for a response from you. If you end this program, you will lose unsaved data." So you hit "END NOW" anyway.
AND YOU LOSE HALF OF YOUR F*CKING REPORT AND HAVE TO START THE D*MNED THING OVER AGAIN! AAAAAUUUUGH!

Needless to say, I did this dance of anger for 10 hours before I finished even ONE of the FOUR reports I needed to write. I complained to the support team. They told me they were aware of the problem. I finished the report, I tried to resync my data, and something went wrong.

I couldn't resync. Then somehow I got locked out and it wouldn't change my password. Then the spell-check error was fixed... and I COULDN'T EVEN GET INTO THE SYSTEM! WHAT?!

It took me an ENTIRE WEEK plus two days to finish 4 reports. Normally, one report takes me 3 hours. hahahahahhahahahhahaha, ahahahahahhahaahhahaahahahah, hahahahhahahaha. Do I sound crazy? I feel crazy!

Just to demonstrate- I copied this post over into Word and ran spell-check on it up to this sentence. IT WENT OFF 24 TIMES. I WOULD HAVE LOST THIS POST 24 times.

And my mind... I would have lost my mind.

Things That Make Ya Go Hmm...

Last night I went to a gay bar with 2 of my close friends and some friends of theirs (who are becoming friends of mine).

I met several other people they knew from hanging out at this bar, and I discovered a truth that I was only partially aware of before.

Even gay men love boobs.

Now don't get me wrong- I'm not complaining or offended by any of this- I wouldn't put them out there if I didn't expect people to look...

But gay men are more aggressive about it than straight men, even. They feel free to openly stare, tell you how nice they are, or in some cases, even touch them... they think it's ok, because- Hey! They are gay!

Last night, I had three gay men I'd either never met, or only met briefly before, approach me about my breasts. Granted, they are quite glorious, and I can't say I'm disappointed that somebody noticed them. Three different conversations, that played out something like this:

GM#1: I am about to give you a compliment that will probably offend you-
Me: Oh, I know what you're going to say. *looks down at chest*
GM#1: Haha, you knew what I was going to say- well, your boobs are amazing- they're seriously beautiful. I mean, looking at them, I'm thinking you're like 22.
Me: Aw, I love you.

GM#2: I'm sorry if this offends you, but-
Me: *holding up one hand* I know. My boobs. They're great.
GM#2: They're so voluptuous! *sticks his finger down my cleavage*
Me: Oh my god- what-
GM#2: *leans over to whisper in my ear* If I were straight, I'd so f*** you.
GM#2 walks off at this point.
Me: The feeling is NOT mutual. What just happened here?

GM#3: Wow, you look totally different than when I interviewed you on Monday! You really did a great job- you were very talkative! I hate it when I interview people and they don't talk.
Me: Thanks, I have a degree in journalism. You want to give me a job? Haha, just kidding, I love my job.
GM#3: Okay, don't get mad when I say this but I had NO idea your boobs were this great!
Me: Yeah, I was wearing a crew neck t-shirt on Monday. They were covered up.
GM: Well you look great, they're really phenomenal!
Me: Hey, thanks.

I just... had no idea that even gay men were so enthralled with my chest. The first guy seriously kept talking to me about them all night, and the 3rd guy wagered a guess on the size, and he was pretty close. Then they started talking to each other about them. I was so confused. Never have I gotten so much attention and nobody tried to come home with me.

I think I've just discovered the perfect hangout.

That's assault, brother!

So they moved me off my old floor here at work.

Now that's fine, even though I was surrounded by my friends down there. 3 people that I hang out with almost every weekend were in a radius around me, no more than 2 cubes away... and that was awesome, being around my friends. But I was also around a bunch of people that I didn't care for and vice versa.

So they moved me up, 4 floors, into another department where I know nobody but the guy that sits next to me. He's a CRA, like me, and has nowhere to belong either. All the other CRAs work from home.

This floor. SUCKS.

First of all, we are tucked into this corner of the building, and the women who sit in this room like to SHOUT across the room to each other about the cases they're working on. This is no normal talking through the cube walls. This is stand up on the table, lunchtime poll in the cafeteria- kind of shouting.

I mean, I know that it's a burning question- whether or not "increased urinary tract infection would be coded just urinary tract infection or chronic urinary tract infections?" (Oh, come on- that was funny!) But... do we need to shout about it? And then six people weigh in with their opinion- at which point the original asker says "Okay, that's what I thought." And you know, I could've hugged the person that said "Then why did you ask?"

HAH!

Right now, they're having a loud discussion about how they want to meet Monica, whomever that is.

Wait, wait, wait. I forgot the Thursday girl. She only comes in on Thursdays- and she sits in the cube right next to me. Last week she was practically SCREAMING about her daughter's combination diaper rash/yeast infection. I am throwing up in my mouth as I type this.

Did I mention that it's BLAZING HOT on this floor? Yes, it's as hot as Dante's Inferno in here.

And then there are the smells... someone is CONSTANTLY eating over-ripe bananas. And if there's one thing that grosses me out... it's BANANAS. Oh, they make me sick. I don't even like to be in the same room as one. And to have to sit here and smell one in this little bitty oven of a room where people are talking really loudly... it's just TOO MUCH.

Wait, did I tell you about the day that someone ate an over-ripe banana and then for lunch had some sort of smelly FISH?! Please just kill me now.

Oh, and I forgot to mention- there's a bathroom no more than, say, 15 yards from my cube around the corner? You can just imagine. But you shouldn't.

I have been aurally, olfactorily and tactilely (is that a word?!) assaulted multiple times since I got to this floor. And I miss my friends.

I think I'm being punished.