Things That Make Ya Go Hmm...

Last night I went to a gay bar with 2 of my close friends and some friends of theirs (who are becoming friends of mine).

I met several other people they knew from hanging out at this bar, and I discovered a truth that I was only partially aware of before.

Even gay men love boobs.

Now don't get me wrong- I'm not complaining or offended by any of this- I wouldn't put them out there if I didn't expect people to look...

But gay men are more aggressive about it than straight men, even. They feel free to openly stare, tell you how nice they are, or in some cases, even touch them... they think it's ok, because- Hey! They are gay!

Last night, I had three gay men I'd either never met, or only met briefly before, approach me about my breasts. Granted, they are quite glorious, and I can't say I'm disappointed that somebody noticed them. Three different conversations, that played out something like this:

GM#1: I am about to give you a compliment that will probably offend you-
Me: Oh, I know what you're going to say. *looks down at chest*
GM#1: Haha, you knew what I was going to say- well, your boobs are amazing- they're seriously beautiful. I mean, looking at them, I'm thinking you're like 22.
Me: Aw, I love you.

GM#2: I'm sorry if this offends you, but-
Me: *holding up one hand* I know. My boobs. They're great.
GM#2: They're so voluptuous! *sticks his finger down my cleavage*
Me: Oh my god- what-
GM#2: *leans over to whisper in my ear* If I were straight, I'd so f*** you.
GM#2 walks off at this point.
Me: The feeling is NOT mutual. What just happened here?

GM#3: Wow, you look totally different than when I interviewed you on Monday! You really did a great job- you were very talkative! I hate it when I interview people and they don't talk.
Me: Thanks, I have a degree in journalism. You want to give me a job? Haha, just kidding, I love my job.
GM#3: Okay, don't get mad when I say this but I had NO idea your boobs were this great!
Me: Yeah, I was wearing a crew neck t-shirt on Monday. They were covered up.
GM: Well you look great, they're really phenomenal!
Me: Hey, thanks.

I just... had no idea that even gay men were so enthralled with my chest. The first guy seriously kept talking to me about them all night, and the 3rd guy wagered a guess on the size, and he was pretty close. Then they started talking to each other about them. I was so confused. Never have I gotten so much attention and nobody tried to come home with me.

I think I've just discovered the perfect hangout.

That's assault, brother!

So they moved me off my old floor here at work.

Now that's fine, even though I was surrounded by my friends down there. 3 people that I hang out with almost every weekend were in a radius around me, no more than 2 cubes away... and that was awesome, being around my friends. But I was also around a bunch of people that I didn't care for and vice versa.

So they moved me up, 4 floors, into another department where I know nobody but the guy that sits next to me. He's a CRA, like me, and has nowhere to belong either. All the other CRAs work from home.

This floor. SUCKS.

First of all, we are tucked into this corner of the building, and the women who sit in this room like to SHOUT across the room to each other about the cases they're working on. This is no normal talking through the cube walls. This is stand up on the table, lunchtime poll in the cafeteria- kind of shouting.

I mean, I know that it's a burning question- whether or not "increased urinary tract infection would be coded just urinary tract infection or chronic urinary tract infections?" (Oh, come on- that was funny!) But... do we need to shout about it? And then six people weigh in with their opinion- at which point the original asker says "Okay, that's what I thought." And you know, I could've hugged the person that said "Then why did you ask?"

HAH!

Right now, they're having a loud discussion about how they want to meet Monica, whomever that is.

Wait, wait, wait. I forgot the Thursday girl. She only comes in on Thursdays- and she sits in the cube right next to me. Last week she was practically SCREAMING about her daughter's combination diaper rash/yeast infection. I am throwing up in my mouth as I type this.

Did I mention that it's BLAZING HOT on this floor? Yes, it's as hot as Dante's Inferno in here.

And then there are the smells... someone is CONSTANTLY eating over-ripe bananas. And if there's one thing that grosses me out... it's BANANAS. Oh, they make me sick. I don't even like to be in the same room as one. And to have to sit here and smell one in this little bitty oven of a room where people are talking really loudly... it's just TOO MUCH.

Wait, did I tell you about the day that someone ate an over-ripe banana and then for lunch had some sort of smelly FISH?! Please just kill me now.

Oh, and I forgot to mention- there's a bathroom no more than, say, 15 yards from my cube around the corner? You can just imagine. But you shouldn't.

I have been aurally, olfactorily and tactilely (is that a word?!) assaulted multiple times since I got to this floor. And I miss my friends.

I think I'm being punished.

Tony Rom-Oh, NO.

If you know me- then you know that I'm a Dallas Cowboys fan.

I wear (pretty often) my silver star necklace and write up their record on my dry-erase board in my cube at work. (Along with the glorious and annoyingly long list of everyone they've managed to defeat this year.)

I love the Cowboys. I love Silver and Blue. I love Jason Witten, I love DeMarcus Ware... I looove Tony Romo.

Which is why he makes me so damn upset.

Tony Romo has been rumored to be dating Jessica Simpson. First of all, Jessica Simpson. Why, oh why? You cheated on Carrie Underwood (And I am REALLY pissed about that. Did she smash up your truck with a Louisville Slugger? I hope so.) and then were rumored to be seen with none other than Mega-Skank Britney Spears... Did you want to be a baby daddy?

And then you top it off with Jessica Simpson, who is *NOT* smarter than a 5th grader. Then again, if you watched the game at Texas Stadium last night... you might wonder if Tony is either. He took a couple of hits that might've jarred his brain enough to get on Jessica's level.

And what's more- they kept showing Jessica in the stands wearing her pink #9 jersey. Okay. I've distinctly gotten on the side of my female friends who vehemently rail against pink sports jerseys/etc. It's different for Bengals fans who are forced to wear orange and black and look like a halloween explosion- blue and silver are PRETTY colors. If you are going to "support" your man while he's playing, be decent enough to show up in his team colors!

But the worst part, the worst... was when one of my co-workers this morning said Tony's unremarkable (read: BAD) play in last night's game agaisnt the Eagles-whom the Cowboys have already defeated once this season, according to my list- was attributed to Jessica's mere presence in the stadium.

She went on to say that the Buffalo game (to which I had compared his performance in last night's game) was one that Carrie Underwood attended to watch him. She said that "People were saying he played badly cause his girlfriends were watching."

SERIOUSLY?!

Listen here, Romo- You are not in high school. You're not playing to a stadium of <500 people, and you get nervous cause the head cheerleader is your girl. You get PAID to play football. THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS of people watch you play... EVERY SINGLE WEEK. You seriously cannot tell me that just because your pretty blonde girlfriend is sitting in the stadium (up in the freakin press box where you probably can't see her anyway) means you get so rattled you give up major plays.

Not that Terrell Owens (the biggest mouth in football- don't get pissed that I said that, Chad Johnson, your mouth's really big too, just not as big as TO's.) was helping. He couldn't have caught the ball if you'd given him a fishing net.

But seriously? If he plays like that every time one of his girlfriends shows up to a game? They're going to have to stop letting blonde pop stars into football stadiums. I don't remember Aikman ever blowing a game cause his lady showed up...

Pull your shit together, Romo!

Just because your name starts with a T, ends with a Y and is 4 letters long-- doesn't mean you're the greatest thing ever to hit the field in Dallas.

Troy must be so disappointed.

She Puts the Ho in Homepage.

So I'm working on my training here at work, and one of my co-workers sends me an instant message to tell me to check out our company's new homepage.

Now, without telling you what company I work for, I will say that we are involved in research. That's enough to get my point across. I'm sure if you wanted to, this post would give you enough information to find out. I'm just not going to broadcast it, because I don't know what the rules are about this kind of thing, and I like my job. :)

So I go to the homepage, and I see THIS staring back at me:


It contains the tagline "Passion & Data."

UH, WHAT?

Seriously? It looks like a still from the opening scene of a soft-core porn! Hellooooo naughty librarian! Passion & Data. Whoo!

She's giving us this seductive look and they want us to believe that she's looking that way because of data? "There is so much data in these big books I'm carrying I can hardly control myself! Give me a hand with this issue tool, big boy!"

I could hardly believe my eyes, so I started asking my co-workers what they thought about it. Here are some of the responses I got:
"It's Debbie Does Data Management!"
"I want to transfer, what department is SHE in?"

Basically, this office is female dominated. We have a female CEO. Which one of the genius males working in this place put our new webpage together?

!!!

Haverty's changed their commercial! It's correct, it says Sneak Peek now!!! :)

Crackers for Christmas?

So today, my friend Annie sent me an E-vite for her little holiday party she is throwing for our group of girlfriends from the NOLA trip.

Attached to the E-vite is an advertisement featuring Rachael Ray and Nabisco crackers. The tagline on the ad is "Give the gift that never gets returned."

CRACKERS? You want me to give someone CRACKERS for christmas? Okay, or you want someone to give ME crackers for Christmas? Are you kidding? Crackers? As a gift. Do you give someone a gift receipt with that so that they COULD return the crackers if they wanted?

If someone gives me crackers for Christmas, you are right-- I won't return them. I will LAUGH wholeheartedly at the poor schmo who gave them to me. If you give someone crackers for Christmas, you should probably get punched.

The gift that never gets returned. Yah, I'll tell you why they never get returned. It's because NOBODY has big enough balls to walk into Kroger and go up to the customer service counter and say "Hi, I got these Nabisco snack crackers for Christmas, and I think I'd like to return them! See, I have this gift receipt!"

What is the target demographic for the gift of crackers? Certainly not people who are online getting E-vites... I'd say the best person to give crackers to at Christmas might be someone who would otherwise not eat.

Maybe they would be nice to bring to a party you are attending, if you yourself might eat some of the crackers. However, if you wrap the crackers up and present them to your host as a gift- They will probably look at you like you have three heads.

And then if they have the chutzpah to take them back to Kroger and return them?

They either are a really big asshole... or awesome. Maybe both. I haven't decided yet.

To Have or to Haverty's Not...

Okay. I'm sitting here watching TV with my roommate. OK, Best Week Ever is on. I love that show. Those people get PAID to mock other people. What a great job. I get paid WHILE I mock people, normally, but I don't actually get paid to mock people.

So during Best Week Ever, there's this commercial for Haverty's. In case you are not aware, Haverty's sells furniture. So they have this holiday commercial (don't let me get back onto that...) that basically chops the "Have" off their name and uses it in sentence fragments.

Well, the first one is "Have a sneak peak."

Um. What? A sneak peak?

As in the peak of a mountain? Not a sneak peek? As in a preview? Um. Maybe you should proofread your copy before you run it in a national ad campaign. Seriously.

I should probably add that during the portion of the commercial where this copy is featured, there is a young boy peeking into a hutch or something like that... I can't remember what those things are called.

Clearly peek, and not peak. Sneak Peak. "We're going to climb a mountain, but shhh! don't tell anyone!"