I think yoga is making me a better person.

You know how I know? Because I no longer want to choke the yoga instructor when she tells me to "harness my flow" when I breathe in and out. Harness my flow? Like... use a tampon? Um, I don't understand.

No seriously. I have no idea how- I guess this is what harnessing your flow is supposed to do- but it calms me way down.

No joke! I am actually trying to plug BACK into my anger to be able to write this blog entry. YOGA IS RUINING MY BLOG! DAMNIT! Ok, good, I'm pissed again. phew.

So, when I left you yesterday I was complaining about Michigan drivers and Applebee's and Hillary Duff. Well, gosh. If I thought all of that was bad... I clearly was smokin' some dope- because what the universe had in store for me... it was worse. OH IT WAS SO MUCH WORSE.

So I almost ran off the road. Which is why I stopped for dinner- where I wrote that blog entry. (AT APPLEBEE'S. Yeah, I'm a f*ckin nerd.) So I got back on the road and drove in the dark, in the driving rain to drop off my rental car at the airport. Cool. So I get out of the rental car, and it's still pouring... there's no awning or anything like that. So I return the car, and slog through the parking lot in water higher than my ankles to the bus that is supposed to return me to the airport terminal.

Okay. Sooo my shoes are soaked through, my pants have now absorbed water up to the knees, and I am hauling my crap up onto this bus. The lady driving says "Are you for Northwest?"

In my best "pretending to be cheerful, no seriously, I don't hate everyone in the world" voice, I chirp: "I aaaaam!"

She asks again, "Are you for Northwest?"

"YES! I AM!"

And she looks at me like I just shot a puppy. I felt really bad for a second when I realize she must've thought I said "Ma'am?" like I was asking her to repeat herself. Aww, crap. So I'm sitting there feeling all bad, in my soaking wet misery... and she's "Just a few more minutes and we'll head back to the terminal."

So we get to the terminal- and she says what I am hoping I understand to be "Take the elevator to the 6th floor for check-in."

I ask "The 6th floor?" And she goes, "What?"

I croak out (oh, must've forgotten to add that I was STILL sick and my voice was BARELY audible by the end of this day) "FLOOR 6. IS THAT CORRECT?"

"Oh. Yes."

"Thanks, sorry- I have a cold. My voice is shot."

She just stares at me. So I haul my shit off the bus and tell myself, no worries, you're on your way home.

Yeah. On my way home. So I see, as I arrive on the 6th floor, that Northwest has the little "self-service check-in" machines out in the hallway. Righteous. I run over to one and swipe my AMEX card. It pulls up my reservation, which takes a second, but whatever... I'm on my way home! Oh. Wait. What does that say?

"There are some changes to your itinerary..." and that's when my vision started to blur and I got all faint, and honestly I think I lost a few seconds because when I came to- I saw it.

"One of the flights on your itinerary has been cancelled."

NO. NO NO NO. NO NO NO NO.

We've re-booked you on the next flight to Cincinnati at 8:40am. If these changes are acceptable, click here- to search for new flights click there.

SO I click there, I wholeheartedly click THERE. Yeah. Little machine can't help me. YOU have to go to a ticketing agent, the little machine f*cker informs me. Swell.

So I go. I wait in the line. I look up at the screens in the terminal for departures on Northwest or Delta. OOH! 7:35 to Cincinnati! If I hustle through security, maybe I can make it! So I pull out my phone to check the time. 7:35 exactly.

Shit it's 7:35! I actually said that out loud. I know because the lady in front of me, and the adooorable young man in front of her turned around to look at me. "What time is your flight?" she asks me.

"Apparently never." I pout. The adorable young man looks like he's feeling sorry for me and suddenly I'm feeling better for a second.

That passes quickly.

So I wait, and eventually get to the head of the line. The woman who is managing the line asks if I'm checking a bag. I tell her no. She ushers me to a little self-check in kiosk. I said "No. He can't help me. He already told me. I need to speak to a ticketing agent. A real person. Yeah." She looks at me like I've lost my damn mind, because, well, I HAVE.

So she points me to an agent who's still helping someone else, but looks like she'll free up soon. When the agent is done, I explain my situation to her.

"Well how do you know your flight is cancelled?" she asks.

"Wait, did I miss the part where I told you I tried to check in at one of the kiosks outside? Did I hallucinate telling you that? Cause I mean honestly, I might have. I really might have."

Well, I don't think she appreciated that. So she does a little digging around. Oh, cancelled cause of weather. Yeah, well everyone knows that means the airline gets a free pass on screwing you, they won't even get you a hotel. So I tell her "Look, I will fly somewhere CLOSE to Cincinnati and drive home if I have to."

"What's close to Cincinnati?" Oh sweeeeet LORD, we've got a geography major. Dayton? Indianapolis? Lexington? Louisville?

Oh! We've got a hit on Lexington. So before I tell her to book it, I call Scarlet to see if she's amenable to having a houseguest for the night in case it's too late/I can't get a car. She is. BOOK IT!

So, I'm flying to Lexington. Okay. So I go to get in the security line, and I ask the TSA agent if because I'm Gold Medallion on Delta, can I go through the elite screening line for Northwest. He tells me no. So I wait in the line with the commoners. WHATEVER. Once I get through I see on my ticket that it does indeed say "elite/gold." I could've gotten through.

During all the security wait, I get on the phone with our travel company to secure a car. My options are $96 to drive home tonight, or $65 to wait until tomorrow. I choose tomorrow (which is actually today now that I'm telling the story... are you confused too?) and proceed to try to find gate C30. I go through the tunnel, the weiiiird tunnel with strange flashing crazy lights.

I go up the wrong escalator. So I go up another one, there's a tram and I'm confused. I am so ready to huddle up on the ground in the fetal position at this point. Wait, did I mention that on one of the escalators, my suitcase actually slipped out of my hand and slid all the way down to the bottom? Thank GOD nobody was behind me!!!

Anyhow, I get to gate C30, and sit on the phone and talk for a while, when the screen at the gate flashes: "Gate change for Lexington... C7." That was at the bottom of the first escalator. So I haul it all the way back to C7 and at some point get on a plane and fly to Lexington.

Man, I feel calmer already. I think I just harnessed my flow.